Being Alone — Ankit Shah
source: https://www.ankit.fyi/being-alone tags: #literature #living-well #favorites uid: 202302202111 —
- Why be alone if you don’t have to be? Perhaps because that hollow feeling—the one you get when you’re scrolling on your phone for too long? That doesn’t change after 5 or 10 years of scrolling. It also doesn’t change when your follower count multiplies by 2 or 10 or 50.In other words: Never being alone isn’t never feeling alone. Being constantly connected or surrounded by people doesn’t make you any more at ease in your own skin.
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- We may find hope, however, in consciousness. Even if we don’t know ourselves, we have the capacity to be aware of it. In a sense, we have two minds: one that determines how we operate in any given moment and a second that has the capacity to notice what the first one is doing. Getting to know yourself is effectively a conversation between these two minds. Seeing yourself outside of yourself.
- Reminders of Shared Humanity are critical to challenging your assumptions about the people around you. They exercise the muscle of possibility in your imagination. Any time you’re about to jump to a conclusion about someone you don’t know, the muscle reminds you: You don’t really know what’s going on. You have no idea what the person is going through, and there are probably a ton of assumptions you’ve baked into your interpretation of the situation that might be challenged if you sat with the person and heard their story. They are probably doing their best with the card they were dealt in this moment, and it’s likely that they are no “worse” or “better” than you are.The more you build this muscle, the more generously you reflect on and interact with others, the more easily accessible this observation of Shared Humanity is, the more deeply connected you feel to the people around you.
- In order to grow curious with yourself and listen to what you might find, you need space to step outside of yourself. Giving your consciousness breathing room—time, non-judgment, quietude—can yield its own kind of shared humanity: Self Awareness.
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- The first few moments of you spending time with yourself are usually very heady. You start wondering why you’re by yourself, wasting time, being bored. You could grab for your phone, but you resist for a moment. You don’t have a specific goal, but maybe something will emerge. You could be doing something more social, more productive, more interesting! But over time, you start to let go of your sense of control, your rush to get somewhere “good.” You choose to be alone, and you’re creating space for what could happen.
- random observation enters from the periphery and somehow finds itself associating in your mind with a completely unrelated train of thought. You start noticing things about yourself that you didn’t know were there, or maybe you just forgot. Some of it is great. Some of it just…is. Some of it sucks and makes you sad. But it’s all you. Your previous urge to get this all over with evolves into a rabbit hole of self-discovery.
- You’ve discovered something. Maybe it’s profound. Maybe it’s a recycled version of a thought you already had. Gotta get back to the real world. This was really nice while it lasted. Who would’ve thought you could learn so much about yourself and your thoughts? All you had to do was sit with them.
- Note: Writing helps me discover these thoughts!
- It’s taking a shower before bed to think about my day and leave the water running just long enough to forget that I even had a day in the first place. It’s slowly smelling my morning coffee before I start sipping it. It’s washing the dishes without my headphones in. It’s turning on Airplane Mode and typing out my thoughts to myself as if I’m texting my own consciousness, having a true back and forth.
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- The important thing about practice is that it’s regular. My habits are all small, but I can fit each of them into my life almost daily. Every day, I give my mind at least some space to be curious with myself. Some days, I find a sense of awe. Others, not so much. Being by myself still makes me very uncomfortable, but I’m way less scared of it—and in turn, significantly less inclined to reach for my devices when I’m left to my own devices. Progress!
- When you start feeling your feelings yourself, you don’t project them on other people nearly as much. The more secure you are in your own skin, the more you can create space for other people to be their whole selves—even if they’re not enjoying alone time nearly as much as you are.